Cooking
by SteelPorcelainMXIV
Summary: There's no way Sebastian will be able to get anything done if Grell keeps flirting with him, so he's forced to take drastic measures. Ciel is not amused. /Random semi-crack. Rated T for dirty thoughts./ Edit: possibility of expansion/title change.


**Disclaimer:** Kuroshitsuji isn't mine, nor are a few of the 'dirty lines' (my friends Sparkle-Raven101 and CasperRose11 gave me pointers) but the plot is.

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Cooking

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"So what's for dinner, Sebas-chan~?" Grell purred, making the question sound very inappropriate as he sauntered into the kitchen and hopped up on the counter. The shinigami frowned as he realized the other wasn't even looking at –

"Sitting on a surface where food is often present is unhygienic," Sebastian chastised lightly without even glancing over his shoulder. "If you wish to view what I am preparing I only ask that you retrieve the stepstool from beside the pantry."

Grell pretended to take offence. "Are you saying I'm short?! Real ladies are not short; they're tall and graceful like me~! See, Sebas-chan~?"

The Phantomhive butler turned to rinse off the vegetables he needed only to find himself looking into a pair of bright yellow-green eyes framed by scarlet glasses. Needless to say, he wasn't surprised in the least and easily slipped out from under the redhead's hands. "Please refrain from interrupting my work. Dinner must be served promptly at six-o'clock."

"Then…could I help…?"

Sebastian allowed himself a small sigh as he turned to look at the red reaper, who was now standing rather demurely (for once) and shyly peering through his bangs. Allowing Grell that one request could possibly keep him from constantly getting in the way but it would take slightly longer to prepare the chosen dish. "I may be able to find something productive for you to do, if you insist…"

"Oh yes please, Sebby dear~! Anything that allows me to stay here with you~"

Sebastian had to refrain from changing his mind at that. "Then come here."

_-That Butler-*'

Mey-Rin was sure she could carry the dishes to the table this time. Absolutely certain. She hadn't dropped even one of the towels she took to wash and was doing pretty well when it came to replacing them until she made her way to the kitchen.

"Hold this for a moment."

"Ah! It's cold!"

"And it's going to be until I am ready to place it in the sauce."

Could it be? Certainly not! Mey-Rin's eyes widened behind her glasses as she peered around the kitchen door. Although all she could see of Sebastian was his back Grell's face was clearly visible, eyes staring at something between himself and the butler with a mixture of disgust and fascination. If only one of them would move so she could confirm what she thought they were talking about…

"The towels!" the maid suddenly gasped as she became aware of the heavy stream of blood spouting out of her nose onto the linens in question. "I can't go in there with them looking like this, and if Sebastian finds me with them out here he'll get really angry!"

Clamping one of the few clean(er) towels to her nose, Mey-Rin rushed to the closest bathroom before she could do any more damage.

_-That Butler-*'

Ciel was patiently waiting in the well-lit dining hall for dinner, absorbed in one of the books from his personal library despite Sebastian's remarks about how reading during meals was considered impolite. Well, he was until he caught sight of Bard trying to sneak through unnoticed. "I'd like a snack, Bard, if you're –"

"Like _this_, Grell."

"So that's how yours is so much finer, Sabas-chan~"

"Less flirting and more working please. We must be finished in eight minutes."

"…It's, uh, the perfect weather for reading outside today!" Bard tried to look as if nothing was wrong despite how he'd caught sight of Mey-Rin stumbling down the hallway with a bloody towel held to her nose. "You know what? I'll go and get a chair ready in case you want some peace and quiet, and then bring a nice cool drink out for you! How's that sound?"

But Ciel was already reading again so the cook decided to slip out while he could.

"What was that about?" Ciel wondered absentmindedly as he turned a page. "Not that it matters; I'm sure I won't die in the eight minutes before dinner."

_-That Butler-*'

Mey-Rin finally calmed down enough to realize she needed to go back and reclaim the towels she dropped before Sabastian found out. Oh, and clean out the bloodstains, but to definitely get them out of the butler's sight first.

"Hey, are you okay?!" Bard suddenly asked as he turned the corner, nearly scaring the maid senseless.

"Yes, but I won't be if Sebastian finds the –!"

"Shh!" Bard cut in.

"– Towels!" Mey-Rin squeaked as she realized how loud her voice had gotten in her panic. "I was trying to see what Mister Sebastian and Grell were doing but I kind of jumped to conclusions~"

The cook almost managed to make a comment about what sort of 'conclusions' the other had reached when they heard a door slam in the depths of the house and the light thumps of skipping feet coming toward them.

"Finny!"

"Does he know?"

"He will soon if we don't do something fast!"

The two servants were soon up and dashing back down the hallway as fast as they could but they had no idea which way their younger companion would approach the kitchen. Maybe they'd get lucky.

_-That Butler-*'

Finnian was very excited – he'd finally seen the tiny green shoots that proved to the world he could take care of something if he put his mind to it. Sure, it was just a small patch of carrots, but they were his carrots! He got them to grow with only a few tips from Sebastian (mostly reminding him not to step on the seeds) and the fruits of his loving labor were finally ripening! Sebastian would be thrilled!

"Where are the onions, Grell?" There was the slightest hint of a growl in the butler's voice that made Finny pause as he neared the doorway to the kitchen.

"Right here~"

"…That is most definitely _not_ where I asked you to put them."

"But you certainly look like you find them much more interesting here, Sebas-chan~"

"What interests me is how determined you are to ruin the rare opportunity I've offered you. Now put. Them. _Back_."

Grell made an interestingly high-pitched noise somewhere between a fangirl shriek and a yelp of terror. "Come and get them so I can see your sexy angry face up close, Bassy~!"

Finny frowned. What was going on in there? He tried to tiptoe past the towels on the ground so he could get close enough to see into the room when a pair of hands jerked him back and covered his mouth.

"It's just us, Finny! It's okay!" Mey-Rin gasped as she felt the boy prepare to throw her and Bard off. "I came back to get the towels and to warn you – are they still at it?!"

"At what?"

"Don't look Finny! There's vegetables involved now! Ohh I always knew that butler had talent!"

Poor Finny didn't quite know how to handle that announcement until he saw the maid's nosebleed. "V-Vegetables? Not the vegetables!" He then ran outside crying but determined to protect the plants and wildlife there from a similar fate.

And plowed straight through the carefully tended patch of bare earth covered in delicately waving carrot tops as he did so.

_-That Butler-*'

"Bassy, it buurrns~!"

"That's because it's _hot_, Grell."

That was it.

Ciel Phantomhive couldn't listen to those crude things coming – that didn't sound decent – that kind of language emanating from the kitchen any longer. With an irritated sigh he closed his book with a snap and rose from his chair, planning on putting a quick end to the matter. The young noble knew he shouldn't have allowed that insane reaper into the house in the first place, never mind allowed him to stay for dinner.

"What in the world is going on…!?" the boy's usable eye widened as it took in the sight of a fully clothed Sebastian and Grell standing next to the food-laden counter. The demonic butler appeared as impeccably dressed as usual but it was the puffy-eyed shinigami with a strange stain on his gray vest that sent suspicious thoughts whirling through Ciel's head again.

"May I present the freshly smoked salmon on a bed of finely chopped greens to you in the dining room or do you plan to eat in here this evening, my lord?"

"…"

"My apologies if it does not appear tender enough – Grell had a slight accident with the hot water so the greens were unable to stew for the appropriate amount of time."

"…It looks fine."

"My Sebas-chan is so manly he doesn't cry when he cuts up onions~!" Grell squealed before slamming into the counter. (Sebastian had somehow dodged the reaper's attempt to glomp him again.)

"But everyone was acting like you two were –"

"A Phantomhive butler who cannot multitask isn't worth his salt," Sebastian inwardly smirked as he bowed deeply, never taking his deep red eyes off his young master. Ciel flushed slightly before quickly turning to leave.

Who said that butler didn't have a sense of humor?

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**A/N:** So ends my first attempt at Kuroshitsuji fanfiction! I hope you've enjoyed it, so thanks for reading and please review~

[Edit 3/28/13: I may expand this into a one-shot series if anyone's interested in more stuff like Cooking - let me know, even if it's just by checking that follow box.]


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